The Red One-Gallon Coleman Water Jug Is Nearly Extinct

Mourn With Me, Band Nerds

"So I ask you, What is going on?????" - Cyrus the Damn Virus

If you have performed at ANY level of marching pageantry arts, you know all about the Coleman Chiller™ Red One-Gallon Water Jug.  Yes, I am aware that they came in a variety of colors and sizes (The italics are important.  Stick with me.)  We all had one at rehearsal.  Some of us still have it, but it is gathering dust in the garage.  Don't bother opening it up now.  There are spiders inside and they are better than you. 

This jug did it all.  It was the right size, shape, and weight for our band/drum corps nerd purposes.  Performance wise, the Chiller™ did what it was supposed to do.  It was nearly impossible to spill.  Shatter-proof for when your director tried to throw it at you.  The ice water stayed at an adequate temperature during your rehearsal.  Simply put, this particular water jug was the Holy Grail of marching arts hydration.

And now, you cannot find them.  Anywhere.

I didn't believe what I was hearing when I was tipped off to this ridiculous rumor.  It was time to do some digging!!!  As a former middle-management hotelier, I often told people that the safest, most reliable way to book a hotel room was directly through the hotel's website.  I applied the same methods in trying to find my beloved Coleman Red.  I searched for the one-gallon version on Coleman.com and….

”…..You're not Ron.”

  Yeah.  Two colors only: Deep Ocean and Fog.  Fancy names, but don't kid yourselves.  The two colors are Blue and Sadder Blue.  This was unacceptable!!!  When the wall pushes, you push back!!!  It was time to bust out the whoopin’ stick!!!  Time for…a nicely worded email!!!  I asked why the one-gallon water jug was not available in red.  This was the response I received:

This agent did NOT just drop the D-Word on me!!!  Discontinued?!?!  Raise the concern?!?!  Translation: Something something, supply chain issues, all red pigment is made from unicorn blood and they currently have Super COVID!!!

Okay.  Relax.  Remember your pressure points.  When in doubt, go to Amazon.  I know.  Most of you complain about the company, yet you probably have a toilet made entirely from Amazon packaging.  Everything is cool, though.  They'll have it for us!  Piece of cake.  Let me just type this in and…..

No price next to the product???  We all know what that means.  This product is not sitting in some warehouse waiting to be purchased by the family of a flute player.  We're going to have to rely on "reputable" sellers who have been using the Official Water Jug Of The Marching Arts as a place to keep their leftover change.  YOU'RE THE REASON FOR THE NATIONAL COIN SHORTAGE!!!  I considered this option not feasible.  I gave up.

Now, I must admit something to you.  I was always jealous of the kids in my band that had a Red Coleman Water Jug.  I asked my parents for one and they brought home a thin plastic water bottle and an "insulated" pouch to keep it in.  I might as well have boiled some water and poured it on my face.  It is such a damn shame that there is a finite amount of these particular water jugs available. 

Yes, I am aware that technology has changed the marching arts hydration game.  There are probably better products with more research and design behind them.  However, there was something about that Red Coleman that was comforting.  When you saw it, you knew you were with your band/corps people.  It was Game Day, Contest Day, or Rehearsal Time. I treated the practice field as my sanctuary and those water jugs still will forever be synonymous with marching band. 

For the red ones that are still out there, please take care of yourselves.  We appreciate what you do and how you do it.  When the last of you all have left us, we will feel slightly off on that day. 

And we will not be able to explain it to anyone who didn't gush-and-go on a rehearsal break in the August Sun.